Theres something about some non-binary ppl online that been kinda bothering me. Some people that i know personally, and some online personalities. To get this out of the way first: i have had tons of problems and personal struggles with my appearance, the general percepction people have of me, androginous presentation and all this kind of stuff im about to critique on other people. And secondly i am aware instagram and tiktok and the like are exatcly the place where people sell looks, vibes and overall aint the best places to be upset about people being superficial and profiting off of it, because that would be on me for spending my time on those hellholes. 

## now for the argument

holy shit being trans is either about dying (not our fault!!) or about buying (i feel thats at least a lil itty bitty on us? we can be different!) and thats fucking annoying as fuck. Either bc all the foreign trans influencers i follow are completely deadserious about how having 30 surgeries a year is the most important step of their transitioning, or because i have experienced a bunch of non-binary people irl being completely oblivious to having any social consciousness at all, let alone class conscious. BUT TO ME!! THIS SHIT GOES SO MUCH DEEPER!! IT BECOMES EVEN HARD TO EXPRESS!

My most recent progress in life have been about working on my weaknesses, accepting and loving the worsts parts of me, understanding that the hot and quick reactions i have about other people are actually my deepest uncounscious and unattended feelings about myself, and how all this reflects back at people. And dont get me wrong im very much a dysphoric trans person™ as much as the next person, but i very much do NOT believe transioning is a way of starting a new life with everything we dont like about us hidden and repressed. we can only love ourselves enough to change because hate only keeps us the same. 

putting on metaphors, i dont think the trans experience is of the guy that felt shit about himself and then changed cities to where nobody knew him and therefore he could make up whatever he wanted. I believe the trans experience is much more kin to the catterpillar that builds their own cocoon, rests and becomes mush alone for a long time before becoming a beautiful butterfly version of themselves. (KEY WORD METAPHOR!you very much can change cities and lie. and you dont need to liquify yourself into a cocoon for me to validate your transness) 

Maybe my feelings about this are so loud rn because i know personally i have made and impact on some nonbinary people lifes (some even told me) and then i proceed to see them being very much terrible people? not that we have to be prestine angels and a example of ethics but i wish we talked more about how the trans experience is something you do to yourself, and the external impact of this is just a consequence, and not the other way around. 

No Mister misses gender fluid instafluencer, i dont want to see 3 masc and 3 fem fits all with clothes i cant afford. No mx queer raver you dont have to be the hottest person anywhere, i know this shit is tied to your whole self-worth in your head lets calm down. I get stressed because i KNOW if you think about yourselves like that you wont even have the capacity to think of me, and that shits scary. 

how are we better the billionaires running this shit if all we think about is either climbing a ladder or getting more numbers be likes or bank account? i rather have things that i value personally and to have choosen these things myself, love and connection, a diverse life experience, space to feel my feelings, ability to take care of those in need, than to just grind to be hotter and richer than all the other genders. And i know money keeps me alive and all.... the thing is it just doesnt matter at all if  i cant have a soulfull connection to my equals