So yeah.

I've been feeling like I cannot rest or put down my passions. Like i'm prohibitted from doing so. And me having an anti-capitalist mindset since very young, dont mean that in a way that my worth is tied to my productivity or something like that.

I have been very engaged in my passions (which is a win) like my relationships, friends, my art, and making of that art my job, exercising and taking care of myself and others. And those are all wins.

But idk i need rest. I know purpose motivates me, but i dont have infinite energy or something. My bf has been through some stuff, and we've been through some stuff because of that. He asked too much from me, about something i was always clear that it was too much, about 1.5 years in the relationship, and i kept my ground. i almost broke up with him but we managed to talk, he went back on his proposition and made sure to include me without me having to cut pieces of myself off to fit. Which is a win. we took a 2 week break from meeting in person or having online DTR's. We're back now and its been really good, especially in person, but theres still some issues. I feel like i have always been the one to holding our weight together, how i feel like if hes having a tough time with his life, i couldnt also be having a tough time with mine.

I need to relax too. I need to prioritize myself too. I cant be sustained on external validation and personal motivation only. I need to recognize my achievements, based on my own value system, and not only get a sense of relief that one less task in on my plate. Finishing art school, being in a art course about digital illustration and fighting for a job in that field, having a long term relationship, pursuing new crushes and geting a raise at my day job, all those are things i should be proud of. But idk i havent been giving me my time or my deserved rest. I wish i could be everything for everyone but at the end of the line im only everything for one person and thats me.

I get really upset when a thing i have been investing so much time and effort does not end up the expected way. Like in my course how i failed some homeworks and in my relatioship how he has abandoment issues so i have to give constant reassurance and feel like i cant rest and stop giving care. Sometime i wish i wasnt needed so much. But actually i think thats just a sign im neglecting some needs of mine. Because deep down i love being needed, i want to need people and i want people to need me. Thats love i guess. its just that currently some needs have not being met and idk which ones still.

Wish me luck i guess? cool first post im planning on using this site as a journal hoping no one really reads it